there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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