she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
