He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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