At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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