sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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