life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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