I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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