Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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