and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
