I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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