wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
