I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
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You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
But break dance skills will only take you so far
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
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He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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