If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
