This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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