I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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