I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
