idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
