She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
