It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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