Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Randomize
