Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Randomize
