fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
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