I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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