I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
