I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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