you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I supernannyed him into submission
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
