Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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