another moral hangover. fuck.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
