Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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