You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
We smell like vodka and hangover
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