I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
