if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
