My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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