Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
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