You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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