When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
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