All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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