I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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