you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
