Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
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He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
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There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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