Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
My balls are so social today.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
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