she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
The uberlube is also flammable
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
