woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
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You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
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You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.