I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low