So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too