dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch