even my farts smell like vagina
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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