fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
