you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
