I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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