oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
