theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
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