woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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