I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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