his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
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