I'm drive I can fine osifer
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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