man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
