I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
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