As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
