4 words: hood of his car
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
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The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
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Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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