i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
